NIGERIAN CHURCHES:By their funny names... You shall know them

I was on a mission to determine the number of registered churches in Nigeria when I stumbled on these funny name of churches, may God have mercy. Only in Nigeria, would you have a church named “Fire for Fire Ministry” and another, nearby, is known as “Run for your Life Ministry.” With fire and brimstone and fire for fire chants, what else is left but for any sensible person to run for his/her dear life.

Yes, only in our dear and wonderful Nigeria will a ministry bear an oxymoronic twist of Angels on ‘Fire Chapel of Peace’. For full point and kill impact, there’s also the world famous ‘Guided Missiles Church.’ The church’s bus and picture follow immediately….

Before, you read through the hilarious list of wacky names of Nigerian churches and evangelism ministries, let me begin by saying: Hallelu..halleluya!! Hallelu..halleluya!!!..... please endeavour to answer your own church name-

The key roll call of names:

· Guided Missiles Church

( The founder must have worked with NATO in the United States, or something close!)

· JESUS IN THE NOW GLOBAL MINISTRY’

( As opposed to where he was in the – THEN – ministry?)

· Healing Has Begun Ministry

( This should bring multitudes …..in the beginning)

· God’s Own Ministry

( I guess here the ownership is not in doubt!)

· The True Assemblies of God Church

(don’t want to think of what this implies of the other Assemblies of God we know)

· Jehova Sharp Sharp (Festac)

(Are we looking at a sense of timing here or the surname is being emphasized)

· Huricane Miracle Ministry

(In nigeria……?)

· Healing Tsunami Ministry

(I guess , both should be situated side by side , my guess is twin brothers founded them!)

· Satan in Trouble Ministry

(You guys are helping him out , or wanna join in the fun?)

· Fire for Fire Ministry

(Founded by a descendant of Moses …actually started with the name ‘An eye for an eye’ ministry)

· FIST OF FURY (NTA road, Port Harcourt)

(I’ll take a guess, members are fit, and all have black belts in Karate)

· Run For Your Life Ministry

( You can’t say , you haven’t been warned!)

Here’s the sign for Run for your life chapel

· The Yoke Must Broke Ministry

(Spelling error or founded in warri?)

· Jesus Heal Ministry

( Focussed and to the point…! )

· Face to face ministry

( No emails, mobile phones allowed- everything here in done face to face!)

· Angels on Fire Chapel of Peace

(An oxymoron….meaning?)

· Liquid Fire Ministries (Suleja, Niger State)

(Nitrogen, diesel, Kerosene and gasoline in sure supply!)

· By fire By Fire Ministry

(These guys are not kidding!!!!)

· HOLYFIRE OVERFLOW MINISTRIES

(Doesn’t this remind you of run for your life ….?)

· David Killed Goliath Ministry (Kaduna)

(Size and weight counts here….!)

· House of Jehova’s Padawans (TransAmadi, PH)

(Check this out, IT WASNT THERE!- what the heck is padawans?!!!)

· JESUS IN HIS MIGHTINESS GLOBAL MINISTRY

(As opposed to other ministries where HE IS IN his what?…LOWLINESS?)

· OPM – Other people’s money (PH)

( Now I like this one….our mission is clear!!!!)

· God in action ministries

(Isn’t there a movie with that title?)

· Moving mountain gospel church

( You can’t say this guys are not scriptural….)

· MY BROTHER IS A CHRISTIAN CHURCH OF GOD

(Muslims/Jews/Hindus don’t belong here is another way of saying this!!!)

· Fellowship of the Wings – Ajah (Langbasa)

(This is a church….right?)

· Power Foundation Ministries, Aba. === The pastor’s maiden crusade was titled: “Your Money is Looking For You”

(I actually like the crusade title for the name of the church!)

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· HOLY GHOST ON FIRE MINISTRY (Abuja)

(Are these ones for or against God?)

· HIGH TENSION MINISTRY

(There is absolutely nothing wrong with this if the church location describes the church name!!!!)

· JESUS NEVER bleep UP MINISTRY (Benin) === for those of you who don’t get the meaning, replace the word bleep in this one with the err… the “F” word

( sounds like a warning)

· Devil go hear am Jesus Ministry

(I know this one MUST be BASED in warri)

· Accredited Church of God

(Jega’s INEC should see and agree with this or not!)

· Chukwudi & Son evangelical ministry, Aba

(The first sermon should read -Many are called, few were chosen)

· Power pass power church of the mountain ministry incorporated

(I ‘ll suggest a more modern name, like P3M2 to the I in C, ministries. )

· Ministry Of The Naked Wire – Bayelsa State

(Be warned! , naked cables are everywhere!)

· LABORATORY CHURCH OF GOD

( We only need to check your blood samples and tell if you are one of us!!!!)

And here’s the sign for Laboratory Church of God

· Go and tell Ahab that Elijah is here ministries – Benin

(IF you have no Ahab friends and ain’t seen Elijah before, sorry pal, you are not one of us!)

· God is Real Ministry.

Motto: “Jesus no get muscle but he get power”

(Another warri based ministry with a clear mandate! – muscle building not allowed)

· Fire burn ministries

(Another clear warning!)

· JESUS THE LANDLORD, WE THE RELAXING PEW MINISTRY – Portharcourt

(Owned by an Ikwerre man!, after all, land is mentioned and it is in PH)

· Happy Go Lucky Church of God Almighty In Jesus Name Amen – Abeokuta

(What can I say to this …but, Amen too!!!)

· Old time religion ministry

(Yes my brothers and sisters, its old time again, join us when you are 50 years and above!)

· Strong Hand of God ministry

(Yes! Thats what we are!, if you are weak hand of God, we are STRONG)

· Best Spot In The Land of God Church – Apapa.

(I am still thinking of what to write here….)

· Trigger happy ministry.

Motto- always firing the devil

( Second motto should read ,: come equipped , AK47 minimum standards)

· KASABUBU CHURCH OF GOD – Ibadan

( I didn’t have to check this out!)

· Jesus knows his children ministry – Benin

(Yes! …We are the one!)

· SEVEN THUNDERS OF JESUS

(namely…?)

· Perfect Christianity Ministry owned by Dr. Fireman

(No short cuts here!)

· Elshaddai Shall Not Die Ministries

( I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)